November 19...

I woke up in a panic, recovering from a crazy dream. I have been dreaming off and on about Mike. Although the dreams are crazy, elaborate, and cinematic; they seem to revolve around me failing to take care of Mike and/or and the animals. What follows is the damage control - quick decisions, planning, organizing, hyperventilating... What do these dreams mean, if anything? I don't know.

I have been feeling this sense of unease, a sort of disconnect.

I was going through and clearing out the photos on my iPhone and I came across some of Mike. I was startled to see a face void of expression. It occurs to me now that that is what everyone else saw. A shell of a person. There was so much more...

There was a short video, not of Mike, but in the background between the voices I thought I could hear Mike's ventilator. I listened several times straining to hear the familiar whooshing. I never thought I would miss that sound. Today I realize that behind that rhythmic breathing was my anchor. I could stop where ever I was and listen. It brought me back to a slow steady breathing pattern. It kept me anchored in this that time and that space. After a bad dream I could reach over and place a hand on his chest, slow my breathing, and match his rhythm.

So, i guess it is no surprise then that at times I feel lost and disconnected. The rhythm that structured my day for so many years is no longer.