Today is the first day of the Chinese New Year. I was told that the 'Year of the Snake' is to be a year of transformation. I spent the evening with like-minded friends celebrating the upcoming Chinese New Year by writing down our wishes for the coming new year.
This felt like the perfect time to reflect on where I have been and where I may be going. I can feel a transformation. For the last few weeks I have noticed that my grief has changed from a sense of sadness to reminiscing.
I have been busy - going to classes, making travel plans, slowly cleaning the house of clutter, and writing. The real transformation is that I have been able to do these things at all. I spoke with my bereavement counselor last week and it occurred to me that I no longer need that level of support.
I notice how different my life is now. I am not a caregiver, I am not a wife, I no longer manage the day to day of someone else's life, but I am still me. In fact I feel as if I am more "me" than I have ever been. I traveled so far, all by looking out the same window at the same tree.
I can truly appreciate what Mike had said about being happier because of ALS. I would not have chosen to go through this process - letting go was the hardest thing I may have ever done. And like that caterpillar I thought my life would end. The day after Mike's death I was truly surprised to be alive.
I can't say that I am "over" the grief process. I have learned enough to know that I know very little.
Cantonese:
Gung Hay Fat Choy! (may prosperity be with you)