So I have been torn about putting up holiday decorations. Everyone seems to have their own theory on the matter, though I didn't ask anyone directly. A bereavement counselor thinks it is perfectly acceptable and understandable to scale back on holiday decorations. Some relish the idea of skipping Christmas. And yet others can't imagine a Christmas without cramming in every tradition possible. Me?
I used to love Christmas. Then, somewhere between Mike's distaste of an enforced holiday, depressed economic times, Mike's advanced level of disability, and a strict adherence of reciprocity, Christmas lost its joy.
There is one small part of Christmas that I had reclaimed a few years ago - decorating a small pre-lit, artificial tree with ornaments. I enjoyed going through the ornaments. Remembering when I got them, or made them. Each year it seems I added an ornament for some memory - The twins 1st Christmas, an ornament for each pet (newly added or recently departed), an ornament from a joyous child, or holiday excursion.
This is the first Christmas without Mike; but Christmas has been changing and evolving since I was a child. It occurs to me that it is all about perception. And although Mike isn't here physically I can hear him directing me to read one of his prints in the hallway.
Reality is not solid. The world is unique to each of us in the way we perceive, process,
and respond to it. You have a choice.
It is a small nod to the part of Mike that lives within me. This doesn't really feel like another "first" to add to my string of firsts or a new beginning, but a growing wiser. So, to answer my post's title - Yes, I will tree.
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