The holiday spirit...

I just don't have it. And honestly I lost it sometime ago. I don't know where or when, but at some point the joy of the season turned into something to get through as quickly as possible. I realize that the last few years I put up the holiday decorations for Mike. It seems strange to pull out a box of decorations and place them about the living room; only to put them away again in a few weeks.

I was told that the holiday season is a difficult time to get through after someone you loves dies. I don't feel like I miss Mike and more than I do already. There are no holiday traditions that we had. In all honesty what few holiday traditions we had faded away, not unlike Mike's muscles.

Christmas began to feel like a series of obligations. Get togethers with family and friends that we saw infrequently, was as much a shock for them as it was for us. A logistic exercise for a few brief moments of warmth, followed by the uncomfortable silences. Although Mike's disease progressed slow, it was a shock to those who hadn't seen him in a year. These occasions always reminded me how different our lives were from most everyone else - we were so different.

And as strange as it may sound - Mike was the outgoing one. So in grief I find an excuse to just sit. As hard as it is to acknowledge I rarely feel like I fit in. I dread the holidays without the comfort of Mike's presence.

As I type, I cry. I haven't cried for sometime, but I have felt the undercurrent of sadness for a week or so. I have been lingering over a flu of sorts. Maybe by not acknowledging my holiday blues I incurred an illness.