Sorrow and Joy...

Yesterday I went to get my car washed. There was a homeless man sitting across the way holding a sign 'hungry - spare change'.

I sat waiting for the two men to finish vacuuming and cleaning the windows of my new car. It struck me what a luxury it was to sit and watch others perform this work for me. How extravagant I felt. I thought of the monks who live only on what charity they receive. But, in this country the homeless are treated like the untouchable class of India. I hadn't looked past the homeless man, but I didn't look right at him either when I drove into the parking lot.I gathered all the change I had in my purse - maybe $3, and headed across the lot.
I heard from someone that one of the worst parts of being homelss was to be looked over as if you didn't exist. I tell my self I will see him.

He is sitting in a wheelchair. I don't know whether he needs it medically or if it is just a place to sit. He is wearing old jeans and, bulky red tennis shoes. Next to him is a bottle of Gatorade - good to stay hydrated I think. His eyes are cast down and he has a slumped posture - maybe a physical defect. As I got closer and looked at him I could see the remnants of a what may have been black eye , a peeling area over his left eyebrow - I wonder if it could be cancerous - and would he even care. He doesn't really look up at me and maybe he can't.

I say a quiet "hi", not wanting to startle him. He responds with a soft "hey".

I looked around, there was no place to deposit my change. I showed him my fist full of coins and he put out an unsteady hand. I gently placed the money in his hand.

With out lifting his head, in the same soft voice he said, "that is very kind of you".

I said, "you're welcome", and walked away. There was nothing else to say.

As I walked away, my heart ached and I was overcome with a deep sadness. - "that was kind of you", I continue to hear that soft statement

I can't help but wonder if this breaking open to grief - is causing me to feel things more deeply. As I drive home I look up and see the clouds - they are beautiful and seem to be just as amazing every time I look up at them. Without this seemingly sad encounter would I have seen the beauty in the clouds?

...Your joy Is your sorrow unmasked . And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears...The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you contain...   ~ Kahil Gibran