An unpublished entry from long ago... i contemplate where i am now... it's time to write again...
A week after Mike died I wrote in my journal -
"..it's been a few days and time to emerge, I guess. Not sure I am ready, not sure I'd ever be.. I know it has only been a week but it feels like a month." ~July 3, 2012
During this time I couldn't think straight, small tasks seemed overwhelming. I got lots of invitations to visit people but I couldn't imagine going to Raleys alone let alone the airport.
"...when I go out I have to have a destination and don't make side trips. I feel unsure, not wanting anyone to see me or ask about Mike...a feeling of discomfort, ill at ease as if my grief is written on my forehead." ~ July 15, 2012
It was uncomfortably clear how unprepared I was to venture very far from when I, with my sister, went on an overnight trip to a cousins house in San Francisco. The night before I just stared at my bag. What should I bring? I had previously packed and planned for trips with such detail - medical equipment with back up machines, clothes, personal supplies, accessible accommodations and transportation, medical supplies, FAA documentation to fly with a ventilator, doctors notes, and the mental gymnastics of being prepared for any possible emergency.
But as I looked at this empty overnight bag I was overwhelmed. With my sisters help I was able to pack the handful of things I would need for an overnight stay, 45 minutes from my home.
"...overwhelmed and trying not to get wrapped up in 'what am I going to do?' " ~ July 25, 2012
"...I feel like a child at times not wanting to do something by myself - going places under the protective wings of my mother..." August 3, 2012
"...Yesterday I went out by myself, did a few errands, made a few side trips and I felt at ease..." ~ October 4 2012
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