It's been almost 3 weeks since my last entry...

The further I get from the last entry the harder it seems to write again. I was sick, really sick, for over a week. I was drained physically, which led to an emotional breakdown. Panic and anxiety subverted my efforts to stay present. Self deprecating talk and doubts filled my mind. I struggled to stay above the thoughts.

And life continued. The classes I signed up for started whether I was ready or not. Looking at it now, it was a good exercise to see how ready I was to enter the main stream of life. Well at least get my toes wet. Was I ready? I don't know. I am too much of a beginner to see objectively. Though, my frightened mind says - No.

What ifs and maybes crowd my thoughts. I recall an artist's self-doubt listed in the Artist's Way - What if I am no good and people notice?

I reach for Mike's presence, his strength to steady me. It is then I realize I have fallen back to the edge of the labyrinth. I was fooled again to think I was emerging from from the shadow of my grief into the center of that mysterious maze.

In some strange way I find comfort that I am back at the edge of the labyrinth. It offers an explanation for my panic and self doubt. I can acknowledge them as feelings, not facts.

Breathing in, I watch.... Breathing out wait...

A New Year...

As I walk around the house this morning, I feel disoriented, unsettled. It's a new year. A new year without Mike. It feels like there is a greater distance between us and it hurts.

I notice that I go for weeks without feeling the grief and sorrow.

As I got ready to go to a New Year gathering last night, I realized I hadn't done that in awhile - getting ready to go out for an evening event. It felt strangely like when an able bodied Mike and I would get ready to go out for an evening. It was a strange feeling, to miss a time so long ago. It occurs to me that I may not have grieved the losses that occurred along the ALS path.

I will sit and wait. And this too shall pass. Actually, it will not pass but dissolve into a greater understanding of life. Someone had asked me what my New Year's goals were....

To be present and to continue writing and creating without judgement.

So, this New Years Day morning, 1/1/13, I sit and remain present. Breathing in, breathing out. Writing and creating.